As marital aid, stretcher-shrinker is a far better facet of imaginative humor.
Many like to make up goofy phrases, I'm addicted. The payrate is worse than sparse.
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As marital aid, stretcher-shrinker is a far better facet of imaginative humor.
Many like to make up goofy phrases, I'm addicted. The payrate is worse than sparse.
2020
Despite being able write "2020" legibly on the Asti cork, I can't get a decent picture.
None the less HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.:martini:
And may you all laugh at Y2K, twenty more times, minimum!:rofl:
Attachment 32892
here's hoping everyone has a safe and healthy year
May we digress; this found wandering. Few would search it...
Septic Tank Humor
Septic tanks pumped. Swimming pools filled. Not the same truck.
Do Not Flush: Sanitary Products, Used Diapers, Tissues & Q-Tips, Cotton Balls, Kittens & Puppies, Tiny Humans, Hopes & Dreams.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank. – Erma Bombeck
The only reason your neighbor’s grass is greener is because their septic tank is overflowing.
Naturally, in this business, got to have a truck with proper advertising
Back off! We ain’t hauling milk
We Haul Milk On The Weekends
Caution: Stool Bus
Your Number 2 is Our Number 1!
Number 1 in the Number 2 Business
Thanks for Flushing Our Business Down the Drain
A Flush Beats a Full House
Satisfaction Guaranteed or 110% of your product back
Hauling Political Promises
Back off! We ain't hauling milk.
Yesterday’s Meals On Wheels
You Think Your Job Stinks?
Virginia Pump and Motor Public Stools
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
The Turd Burglars
The Turdinator
Dr. Pumper – Septic Surgeons
Surrender The Poo (with Skull and crossbones of course)
Do You Really Want To Do This Yourself?
Money In The Tank
You Dump It… We Pump It!
Pumping Today For A Cleaner Tomorrow
Scratch and Sniff (over the pumping hose valve)
Attachment 39192
I had a visitor from these forums today To preserve his anonymity I don't think I will mention his name but he started this thread.
Through the past several years he has provided us with quite a few inciteful and entertaining comments.
I thoughourly enjoyed our visit and he and I will be spending more time sharing tales tomorrow
What an incredible coincidence! Same week no less, dang near same thing happened to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank S
The posts barely represent enormity of of his project.
Lol we had a blast.
COVID-19 notwithstanding......from my perspective not even a factor.
We all receive calls from the billing office of so-and-so, usually day or two ahead of a due-date, especially when we refuse autopayment options.
Well yesterday, received such a call, probably not 25 seconds total, discounting 'this is a recorded call.....' blurb. Next day an email, with lame enticement to report on the interaction with representative 'X' appears in junk folder.
Not one to reject fellow business types [despite immense corporate footprint] hungry for feedback, streamlined the process [avoided canned answers of programmed survey] replied directly to their plea.....-with redaction and emphasis in type underlining.
From: FxxxO <customerfeedback@fxxxO.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 29, 2021 11:01 AM
To: w@hotmail(dot)com
Subject: Requesting your feedback
From FxxxxO
Dear (my name);
You recently visited with one of our representatives at FxxxO, the issuer of your credit card. We’re committed to serving you and your feedback is essential to us in fulfilling that commitment.
Would you please take a minute to complete this brief survey about your experience?
We sincerely appreciate your time.
[here you'd find 'click here for survey' button]
[below that, because haven't talent to generate a poll on their own, utilizing one of numerous poll-generating software offers online]. Gawd forbid true interactions!
We have partnered with InMoment, Inc. to collect your feedback. Clicking the button above will direct you to an InMoment site to complete the survey.
-----------replied with the following, for FREE. used repeatedly, wrote it once, saved to copy paste there on.
"We'd appreciate" is newspeak; translation = 'using your time, tell us valuable marketing info without expectation of compensation'.
Ok, here's mine.....
a) nothing changed customer-facing interactions in past 900 years.
b) I'm surprised that a room stuffed with cubicles of 1-year MBA's is unaware of that.
c) additional consultation is $180 USD, 4 hour minimum.
Respectfully,
[my name aka Toolmaker51]
555-666-7777 mobile
Their email closes with disclaimers and Unsubscribe, nice feature there, used of course. Next page conveys this.
You have successfully unsubscribed from FxxxO promotional e-mail offers.
Imagine my disappointment -- times up!
In Marv Klotz's post on Extending the range of calipers in Best Made Homemade Tools section, post *29, our WmRMeyers wrote...
Per his first three sentences. Yikes, what is more liberal than abstract? What could be more abstract than liberal?Quote:
A lot of kids don't get abstract. That is apparently something that develops after the teen years, for most folks. And for decades, that is all they taught in school. I hope they someday learn to actually follow the research on what when and how to teach. I wasn't seeing a great deal of it when I was teaching, and that ended in 2012, finally, though I should have realized it was really done in 2008.
It's established the young are liberal, naturally. Just occurred to me that is being taken advantage of, by means of slick presentation, abstract concepts 'seem' fully developed and logical, though errant. No different than propaganda fostering indoctrination.
Without exposure otherwise, how will they know?
I have a forced association [relative] with a rabid liberal. This person applauds current administration's push, of labeling day care centers as infrastucture. "Oh my yes, they dovetail right in with electrical grid, highways, construction industry and materials, employment..."
It gets more convoluted, after pointing out infrastructure projects affect the masses; being rather monumental, somewhat freestanding, elemental to first world development.
Quite a journey, this thread. Thanks for some interesting stories. Reading every word has taken half a day. You chaps have very different backgrounds to mine. Going back toTM51’s first post, about the two dufuses and Who, you mentioned “War and Peace” but I found that easier to understand! But what I did understand was fascinating. I came on to the Off-Topic forum because I have a story to relate about management and corporate imaging and wonder whether it is relevant here?
ABSOLUTELY! Post Away, to your heart's content and beyond.Quote:
Originally Posted by Philip Davies
It was initiated because I just knew that old poem wasn't far and wide, leading into related tales. The responses prove the point over and over, and humbly channeled my inner Shakespeare (perhaps Coen Brothers instead?) in subsequent posts. Glad to have named it so, was to be called "To" or "For" "Anyone Who's Drawn A Check"
Thank you kindly.
This is about corporate imaging.
I walked down the corridor at work one day, and saw that the signs on the office doors had been replaced. It was still “Headmaster”, “Bursar”, “Head of English”, etc.
Nothing wrong with the old labels. It was a re-branding exercise! Unfortunately, since the new signs were smaller and differently proportioned, the shadows of the previous signs remained visible.
Meanwhile, the staff-room, where the management graciously brought distinguished visitors to observe the hoi polloi, retained the original seating, with the ripped upholstery, the greasy 3-piece suites that had been dumped, and the curtains that had remained unwashed since their installation. What an impression that made!
“A foolish people, who lack understanding, who have eyes, but see not...”
Yup, Phillip, you found the place.
That kind of window dressing, makes you wonder what conditions get full treatment. Here, past 5-10 years, bigger utilities have bought up local utilities, and some dippy committee renames the entire assemblage, "to reflect the larger customer base" nonsense. Result is a made up word, or one that has no logical connection to the product. Always some s**t about bringing savings to customers too. Can never find a disclosure of monies spent on billboards, new letterheads, uniform changes, relabeling vehicles, webpages, every customer adjusting their bill pay records...and zero about jettisoned materials.
I think the real goal disguises monopolies, past lawsuits and tax irregularities.
One shop carried their name 56 years, bought up by out of state corporation. Polled us about prospective names. I posted a picture, brass label on a PEXTO pan brake. Underlining their 'Since 1797' claim, and pointing others not made anymore, but name and value remain.
No one logically changes a winner.
You’re too right!
What set me off recalling past traumas was hearing that the organisation I work for was proposing a cosmetic re-brand. New shop fronts, new work shirts, whole range of stationery, etc.
Now, our function is to supply furniture and household goods to those in need. (Sometimes they are not so needy, but mostly they are. In desperate need.) my work, which I have done since my crack up and early retirement, is furniture repair and shopfitting, by which is meant installation of fittings in commercial premises. But I also collect non ferrous metal or dismantle stuff. This makes a muddle, but they do quite well. In the UK, you can no longer turn up at a scrapyard and come away with cash. They send cheques when I bring them the ticket.
So I am straining my fingers, wearing out tools and I doubt that I get them more than 50p an hour. Meanwhile, the staff who sort the bric a brac are unaware that old brass, pewter etc fetches high money and throw tatty objects into the rubbish, to landfill. All they have to do is keep it for the van guys and bring it to me in the warehouse. I have been telling them this for over a decade.
So the argument goes that the shops look a little bit “tired”.
When they opened their new furniture store, which is actually very presentable to the customers, I partitioned off an office space, reclaiming plasterboard from the alterations. Couldn’t do a ceiling, no money for it. So you have this gloomy interior space where the admin have to sit all day, and WHERE THEY BRING THE INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE , like the mayor and the bishop!
Still it’s all about style, not substance.
Hope you enjoyed this anecdote.
Kind regards
Philip
I can think of precious few not to appreciate. Oddly enough, here the 'regulars' object to them as well! I know such reinforcement is beneficial, just as airing such mindless activities can do.
Divisive?
I hope so, those complaining about it do not understand individualism.
Meanwhile......last year I tried to buy work uniforms. Pundamnic had slowed any useful production of needed items more than just noticeably. This was playing as I parked in shop lot. Came out with a fraction that I wanted and ready to pay for. Supply and Demand, right? Fired truck up, CD restarted on its own.
Pick the lyrics, so opportune, playing as I swore at the conditions.
James McMurtry "We can't make it here"
Lyrics
There's a Vietnam Vet with a cardboard sign
Sitting there by the left turn line
The flag on his wheelchair flapping in the breeze
One leg missing and both hands free
No one?s paying much mind to him
The V.A. budget?s just stretched so thin
And now there's more coming back from the Mideast war
We can't make it here anymore
And that big ol? building was the textile mill
That fed our kids and it paid our bills
But they turned us out and they closed the doors
'Cause we can't make it here anymore
You see those pallets piled up on the loading dock
They're just gonna sit there ?til they rot
?Cause there's nothing to ship, nothing to pack
Just busted concrete and rusted tracks
Empty storefronts around the square
There's a needle in the gutter and glass everywhere
You don't come down here unless you're looking to score
We can't make it here anymore
The bar?s still open but man it?s slow
The tip jar?s light and the register?s low
The bartender don't have much to say
The regular crowd gets thinner each day
Some have maxed out all their credit cards
Some are working two jobs and living in cars
Minimum wage won't pay for a roof, won't pay for a drink
If you gotta have proof just try it yourself Mr. C.E.O.
See how far 5.15 an hour will go
Take a part time job at one your stores
I bet you can't make it here anymore
And there's a high school girl with a bourgeois dream
Just like the pictures in the magazine
She found on the floor of the laundromat
A woman with kids can forget all that
If she comes up pregnant what'll she do
Forget the career and forget about school
Can she live on faith? Live on hope?
High on Jesus or hooked on dope
When it?s way too late to just say no
You can't make it here anymore
Now I'm stocking shirts in the Wal-Mart store
Just like the ones we made before
?Cept this one came from Singapore
I guess we can't make it here anymore
Should I hate a people for the shade of their skin
Or the shape of their eyes or the shape I'm in
Should I hate ?em for having our jobs today
No I hate the men sent the jobs away
I can see them all now, they haunt my dreams
All lily white and squeaky clean
They've never known want, they'll never know need
Their **** don't stink and their kids won't bleed
Their kids won't bleed in their damn little war
And we can't make it here anymore
Will I work for food, will I die for oil
Will kill for power and to us the spoils
The billionaires get to pay less tax
The working poor get to fall through the cracks
So let 'em eat jellybeans let 'em eat cake
Let 'em eat ****, whatever it takes
They can join the Air Force or join the Corps
If they can't make it here anymore
So that's how it is, that's what we got
If the president wants to admit it or not
You can read it in the paper, read it on the wall
Hear it on the wind if you're listening at all
Get out of that limo, look us in the eye
Call us on the cell phone tell us all why
In Dayton Ohio or Portland Maine
Or a cotton gin out on the great high plains
That's done closed down along with the school
And the hospital and the swimming pool
Dust devils dance in the noonday heat
There's rats in the alley and trash in the street
Gang graffiti on a boxcar door
We can't make it here anymore
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: James Mcmurtry
We Can't Make It Here lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
I appreciate the effort you have gone to with this, my friend. I suppose it is possible to copy & paste to HMT, but my normal method is to copy it out, usually by hand, or 2-fingered typing. Anyway, that’s what i’ll do for the board at work, and someone can find the music.
All good wishes
Philip
Not been an unpleasant task, building this thread; but it's participation of others making it fly.
While I'm an incredible copy/ paste-ist, it merely compensates for not being a typist. Hoping bulk of our participants appreciate written details at least equal to rambling video. If some entertainment sneaks in, well and good.
Yes, HMT.net is super user friendly regarding post, bookmark, download, and best feature of all, "Edit Post"; providing urge strikes before timer runs out.
You get spam, I get spam, we all are subjected to phishing, and endless yet unnamed schemes.
This however, current reigning World Champion......If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, blind them with bull****, Uncle Samuel [the salesman] would say.
I recommend cool beverage, crunchy snacks, and a bib or supply of projectile absorbent towels. I swear this is a precise copy/ paste, as received.
Good day,
A remote appointment for Pack Steward for ours logistic firm was brought to start. Our biz offers a very glorious wage and educational pack to do thou as a team member of our camaraderie's evolving and highly effectual biz.
We found yours info via the CareerBuilder site 'n' appreciate that UR knowledge could be potentially useful for the community. If only thou are vibrant about our comradeship's suggestion, please, do not hesitate to compose an e-mail to our camaraderie so our community's Human Resource hosts would be informed about you to uncover to you upward post's description.
Money: $ 4,000 per month.
Given offer is for workers which aren't mind to making work from home.
If you may afford to corporally reside at your dwelling from nine AM to 5 PM, ye can receive revenue of wealth. The essence of our partnership's location is to manage with packs. What shall be included into thine core obligations: have lots out of one addresser, repack them following our fellowship's regulations, & to send out parcels to else destination. Ya'll will seem an unimpeachable operation man at above-mentioned suggestion if thou are a just started to be a mother, a undergrad of Internet way of training, retired, unable to work normally outdoors subject, or the man or woman which hates to depart apartment to make operations for money.
Thou shall not be induced to transact with heavyweight consignments. Generally, you'd locate garment or bijou inside boxes. Learning is established without payment from your side. Everything you all require to obtain the work from our firm is a desktop computer, access to the online space, & printer to be able to print bills of parcels. How much money ya'll will be able to earn relies solely on you – the larger ye function, the more thou obtain. Normally, women that simply start off labor for our camaraderie obtain about 1000 dollars per 7 days.
Are ya'll inflamed by our function? Feel free to write our fellowship via electronic mail. Also, think about staying at house from 9.00 to 5 PM is your obligation to be able to take mentioned function (or, mentioned position is not for you, unfortunately).
No really; all that without salutation or customary sign off.
So naturally, compelled to respond, leading off with a thinly disguised 'Oh Hell Yes, my ship has come IN!"
Re: Well-paid job
F. W.
Wed 6/23/2021 7:19 PM
Really? Do you sense my excitement at such a lucrative offer?
I can already see my first day in the office................
Teaching you decent English composition, you twit.
I'd be there already, but must relieve commitment of current task. I'm sending bull**** spam emails, though clearly not the level you've attained.
:rofl::rofl: And to think all along I was under the impression that due to my poorly controlled dyslexia that I was the world's worst wordsmith. I Really got a good laugh out of this one I did for sure.
The composer of said email reminds me of someone who has learned English as their 2nd or 3rd language with only a mediocre command of the usage or meanings of pronouns, found access to an online Thesaurus containing 17th century colonial mannerisms, not fully comprehending their very dated usage in common everyday language.
That might be the case, a mixed up jumble of translation, regional terms, and who knows what else. I can't stereotype any clear nationality out of it, there's a lot, but nothing Hispanic.
Occurred to me while reading [trying to], the Package Manager spam of old is worldwide, meaning whatever language it originated in, been stretched way out of shape many times.
I'm thinking some inventive dipstick ran his Elbownian [a famous Dilbert nationality] version through google translate wringer, plus his own touches, for this work of art
Can't imagine any comment........
Attachment 39917
amplifies this.
Can't imagine any comment.......
Attachment 39918
amplifies this.
The way I heard that one, back when I was a simple jet mechanic, added "...in no time at all." That was nearly 50 years ago, and it was not new then. I'd like to believe that things have changed, but from what I can see, if so, they've changed for the worse. I will not say worst. I don't want to challenge them.Quote:
Originally Posted by ToolMakerRob
Bill
About a year or so before my employment ended, I put up "The beatings will continue until morale improves." on the board in the maintenance shop. It stayed up there for about 6 weeks or so. Management seldom wandered into the office. Might have something to do with that. Was a $4 billion corporation who had just swallowed their next largest competitor.Quote:
Originally Posted by C-Bag
A little sign I had on the wall behind my desk read like this " Should the Unknowing, order you the unwilling, to do the impossible for the ungrateful, let me know what they want you to do, and I will show you how to do anything with nothing"
It was meant to be a dig at our sales staff and management while building the moral and confidence of my engineering staff and the workers on the floor.
Being retired now, I'm unlikely to need it, but I'm adding it to my aphorisms wall. With attribution.Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank S
Bill
Works for me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank S
PS That might be my shortest post ever.
Usually I go one one kind of diatribe or another, maybe a Python-esque rant, or soapbox pulpit attempt to.............oooops
Oooooh Look what the web hath wrought!
I'm up early this US Labor Day with no thought in mind other than getting the elusive initial setting of brake shoes to new drums. Previous attempts are disappointing. Anyway, opening Google, it's awash with pink-fingered layabouts heaping praise on 'workers' (apparently laborers now a demeaning phrase), gushing praise for what we do...via twitter, facebook, instagram ad infinitum. However, the pictograms depict NONE of the folks toting spud wrenches, shovels, washrags, weld stingers, survey tools, hack saws, or brooms; nor erecting cranes, elbow deep cleaning engine parts, tending crops, conducting forestry, breaking down forest fires...yet spout that tired refrain "they're fighting for us".
********.
Meanwhile pointing out many are the very same well-wishing ilk who shut down pipeline, construction and other infrastructure projects.
Hmmm. That series of asterisks are not result of my careful typing. I've been canceled? Quantity reflects however exactly those of phrase.
OK! Substitute El Toro PooPoo, aka Mountains of Guano, or the waste ushered away by another unsung infrastructure, our first world sewer system.
Somehow, I'm now even more satisfied.
This reminds me of a sign I saw up in our local hospital. It read:
“What can do the work of ten men?
.....A woman.”
I said to the nurse (female), pointing at the sign: “That’s sexist!”
“It’s true, though,” she replied.
“Look out the window, “ I told her. “How much can you see that was likely erected or maintained by women”.
I do not mean to diminish women’s importance in the least. The role of women in society is at least, if not of greater significance than men’s.
Most of us will agree, a good portion of the POSITIVE aspects of society very well can be attributed to women.
Men probably claim the SIGNIFICANT percentage, but a large amount of those haven't advanced society, or turned out productive.
Too True. I made my living for most of the first half of my adult life preparing for war, or participating in war. In a couple of months, I'll have been retired from the US military for as long as I was on active duty. And in all that time, we've still been preparing for, or actively participating in war. I went to war on my 7th wedding anniversary in August, 1990, trying to prevent war from coming to our shores. We failed. If you've seen the video or photos of what CNN called "The Highway of Death" from Kuwait back to Iraq, I helped make that happen. We did manage to keep the Iraqis from invading Saudi Arabia, and to drive them back out of Kuwait, but we did not manage to prevent further problems in that region. Of course, no one else has, either. There is a reason the Middle East is called the Crossroads of War. People have been fighting there since war was waged with bronze weapons, at least.Quote:
Originally Posted by Toolmaker51
I heard this song several years before I enlisted, but it means more to me now than it did then: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01-2pNCZiNk
Bill
Anyone familiar with performer and title knows the gist of that message "........war, what's it good for; absolutely nuthin!".
I always appreciate a musical reference.
We can thank each other for service, I'm retired as well, just under 26 years.
Out of that now, yet not even half that time given though.
Music can help us express things we have a hard time expessing in words of our own. I mostly enjoyed my time in the Air Force, and would have stayed until I dropped if they would have let me, but there were things I didn't like about it, too. Among them, we left Saudi Arabia & the Middle East without actually getting things set up to be peaceful there. I do not know if it's even possible without depopulating the area, nor am I willing to bet even that would work. For some things, simple solutions work quite well, but for others, maybe not.Quote:
Originally Posted by Toolmaker51
I stumbled on to something I wrote years ago Thought I would share.
The other night I dreamed that I died. And this is how I wound up in Hell; by Frank S
I don’t know why but I died and was escorted up a seemingly unending stairway to a reception desk where St Peter was sitting in a long very heavy looking robe. Since I had died while sitting around the house I had on only light clothing and felt a chill coming on.
The first thing St. Peter asked me was would I like a drink of something. I said a cup of hot strong black coffee would be nice.
He said I’m sorry but there is no coffee in Heaven would you like a nice cool drink of water instead?
I grudgingly said OK if that is what you have.
He told me to go over to the well and draw up a bucket full of the purest water in the universe and drink to my fill.
So I dropped the bucket into the well that seemed to be millions of feet deep and hauled it back up and had a drink. OK it was water nothing tasted special to me I don’t really like water that much unless it is made into something else.
Then St. Peter summoned me over to a hard wood bench to sit while he went over my life report.
HE said it says here that you are noted for being an engineer and that you even have a PHD in engineering that you have designed many things throughout your life.
I said Yes I have a been blessed with a small amount of abilities in the field of engineering, and have built a few things over the years
St. Peter said your humility is admirable that is a check for you
Frank, it says here that most of your life you couldn’t be bothered with attending Church and when you did attend it was more to insure that your children went than anything else. May I ask why, don’t you believe in the sanctity of organized religion and the worship of the all Mighty.
I told him I believe in the All Mighty but I do not believe in religion, when asked what religion do you follow I would respond with what religion does The All Mighty follow
HE then said you only get a half check for that one.
Then he said now Frank this is an important question it goes along with many of the other things you have done in your life and will determine whether you will spend your life in Heaven at leisure or an eternity in hell destined to work hard throughout all eternity with no praise for your work.
I said OK shoot, I haven’t had a vacation in a hundred years it seems.
SO he asked me why I believed that most of mankind didn’t deserve to occupy space on the Earth and why I was such an advocate for cleansing of the Gene Pool as I had said many times throughout my life, Wasn’t All of God’s creatures sacred. Didn’t they all deserve to live their lives the way that I had?
I said well it is like this PETE ol boy, from my up take on life a large percentage of the people that have occupied the Earth for the past several thousands of years were born just plain stupid many without even the remotest amount of self intelligence they had to be led around and told what to do they would blindly vote for, and go along with anything that would let someone else have the power to make decisions for them. They would breed like guppies in a pond, to produce more just like them who would grow up to become a further drain on those few that were actually capable of producing anything. Yes I believe that there is only just so much knowledge to go around in the universal pool of intelligence and that most of the problems in the world today is because of the Earth being vastly over populated with ignorantly stupid people many of which are in position of making decisions for others when they themselves do not possess the cognitive ability to produce anything on their own as well. While I might not advocate anyone causing the death of another I do feel that most of the population alive today should have been neutered at birth so that they could not reproduce.
Well I am truly Sorry that you feel that way Frank because the All Mighty created man to be fruitful and multiply and to venture out throughout the lands He gave them free will to worship him or not to as their choice. Should they follow his few simple guidelines they are promised to spend eternity in Heaven.
You on the other hand are somewhat of an enigma; actually you are the enigma of all enigmas. You have throughout all of your life praised the Creator of the universe, and have done many good things. But it’s your lack of repentiveness that leaves me no choice but to tell you that you cannot enter the Kingdom just now do you will have to go to hell, and descend into the deepest depths until you repent.
OK fine just show me to the elevator and I will be on my way, it has been nice talking to you, it is too bloody damn cold here and you don’t even have hot coffee to warm a soul’s spirits, and what’s up with that million mile rope on the water bucket anyway?
Frank there is no elevator to Hell you will need to take the stairs.
So off I went descending step after step it seemed like years before I got to hell, once there I was greeted if you call it that by none other than the archangel himself Lucifer or Satin if that is the name you know him by.
He had a puzzled look to that red and deeply rutted face of his, when I arrived.
He said Frank, Frank, Frank! I’m so glad to see you. I have heard many things about you from several of your friends that came before you. By the way I must thank you for telling most of them to go to hell over the years many did just that. HA, ha, now you just go right over there I have your computer all set up for you to start your stay with us. You will not like it here I can assure you the air is foul the heat is intense the water to make coffee with is rancid; your computer will break down a lot because it gets too hot.
Lucifer, no offence but for all I care you can kiss my back side I’m not doing one damn thing until I get a cup of coffee and a cigarette. As far as the heat well I have lived and spent most of my life in places much hotter than this, Texas, Arizona, Columbia Kuwait Iraq and many more, and hard work won’t kill me. I’ll make something to clean up enough water so I can enjoy my coffee, and why the hell don’t you have an elevator? And that big furnace you got over there could be put to use with a bit of piping to produce a lot of electricity and the byproduct of all that heat will work perfectly for the refrigeration system I am thinking of. And if you don’t like it you can go to Hell.
OH God! I always heard you engineer types were non conformist.
Shove it Satin ol boy, I’ll do as I damn well please and if you don’t like it you can go to hell. Now the first thing I want you to do is clear out all of this rubbish and get me a factory set up I have an eternity of work to get done and send me in a cup of coffee hot and black and no sugar.
So I set into work what would be Hell for most I found relaxing. The first thing I did was design an air- conditioning system and piped it throughout all of the depths of hell. This increased production of cutting brimstone to fuel the furnaces so much that we soon needed conveyors to carry it all. So I built them then I built a huge elevator right up to the surface of the Earth so that all of the souls destined for Hell could arrive quicker that way we could put them right to work. Satin learned how much he liked coffee that I had to design a pump to pump the water down from the surface to keep the coffee pots filled. Life was so busy that I had all but forgotten that I only needed to repent my thoughts of mankind to be allowed to enter Heaven.
One day Satin gets a phone call from God.
Lucifer my evil brother how’s life in Hell.
God I can’t thank you enough for sending me that engineer, he has built us an elevator and conveyor systems we now have clean water to make our coffee with and he has turned my hell fire into a heat source for the air-conditioning and refrigeration system.
What? You say you have an engineer? You need to send him back he’s not supposed to be there I had forgiven him a long time ago for any and all of his transgressions. You can tell him that he was right all along and I have decided that there are too many people on the Earth and that it is high time to thin them out with my promise, so you send him back right now!
Sorry God but you can’t have him he has the place running so well that people are dying to get in here.
Lucifer you send Frank back to heaven this instant or I will sue.
God! Do you have a lawyer?????????????????
Frank S Prof. of theoretical Engineering philosophy
Terrific story Frank S, visuals and all. After reading and a good laugh, only found one possible error.
I believe the real question is along the line of... "God! HOW did you find a lawyer that dared enter???????????????"Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank S
Yep I doubt that even honest Abe made it inQuote:
Originally Posted by Toolmaker51
Here’s a saying, which few toolmakers will have heard, told to me by my friend, Norman Boulton.
“In glue and dust, we place our trust,
If the railways won’t employ us,
The council must!”
Since Norman’s products were on sale in Harrods, I doubt whether he needed to correct his joinery with sawdust and glue, (as I do)
I grew up on my Grandpa's farm so I knew him mostly as a farmer, although in actuality he was a retired carpenter/ cabinet maker. He made the prototype cabinet for the first Curtis Mathes console TV stereo system. We had a Mathes fan in our living room that he had made the cabinet it was in Also his name was Mathes. A cousin to them I think but anyway the box fan we had had a lot of intricate inlay in it, I figure he must have done that himself to personalize the fan, but I never knew for sure. One thing I do know though is once while he was making a pair of entry doors for a church I saw him carefully carving a series of very small groves in them then the next time I managed to sneak into his wood working shop the doors had several inscriptions in them which looked like the inlay in the fan he was there rubbing and polishing the doors. Being a young kid my curiosity made me ask him what he was doing. Boy did that turn into an educational lecture. he showed me how he would take a plane and slice off a long curl of soft wood wet it down with very hot water then flatten it out and press it between 2 plates to dry once dried he would carve the designs he wanted then lay them over a project and trace the design into the wood then carve the groves then glue the design into he grooves anywhere there might be an imperfection between the carving and the grove or imperfections in the inlay, he filled it with a powder he made from the dried scraps of the inlay, making the powder in something that looked like an old coffee grinder but to get the grindings to the fine powdery consistency he needed he used a mortar and Pessel like the pharmacist used to make medicines. I don't know what he used as a bonding agent but by the time he had it rubbed in to his satisfaction it was nearly impossible to find the blemish if not impossible.
Thanks for this, Frank. I have never tried marquetry, but my friend Norman was very skilled in laying veneers. He has a bookcase bureau veneered in rosewood. Your grandfather was clearly equally as gifted. The description of processing a shaving is especially interesting.
Philip you have to remember that was the observations by an 8 year old kid and 60 years ago, somethings stick with you throughout your life but the finer details may not. Since I have never personally tried to duplicate the things I saw him doing I couldn't be certain I have remembered everything in context and probably have not. Sometimes I would watch him for nearly an hour before he would even notice me being there, particularly if I could wedge myself into a good hiding spot.Quote:
Originally Posted by Philip Davies
Veering off into a snowdrift, or herd of snowflakes, IDK.
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